daydream: queering religious zeal. i was thinking myself praying in church, a large black and dark green tattoo of the crucifix laid on my back. i would be wearing camouflage cargo pants and a white tanktop undershirt (wifebeater, italian tuxedo, etc.), and would be crying blood as i was kneeling in the pew.
regular dream: i'm hanging out somewhere far from home with a friend that i've always lusted after, and we start going at it. he has a boyfriend, so he tells me that whatever we do, we can't kiss on the lips (just like julia roberts said in pretty woman), but instead he tells me to kiss his cheek. so i start eating his fuzzy ass out while he gives me a blowjob. one cheek has a scar on it. we're having a good time but then he blows up at me and starts saying that i'm fake and a poser, not like the other, nonconformist set of gay men that made it happen. i wonder to myself how i'm going to get back home to alabama.
these sort of thoughts pass in and out of me after a year of living in new york. it has included dis- and re-membering myself, and i wonder if i have lost my heart when i meet a guy from out of town and get irritated days later when he calls from back home.