do you believe in love?
narrator: do you believe in love?
cristina: i don't believe in love. (pause) i believe in god. it's bigger.
- edet belzberg, children underground
posted September 30, 2001 in filma full nelson on my usual musical tastes
sometimes you hear lyrics like "just one more fight about your leadership / and i will straight up leave your shit" and you know it's a stoopid song but you can't just sit there and pretend like you don't like it. am i the only one who likes l-l-l-... god, i just can't say it...
posted September 26, 2001 in deliveryno problem
candles and posters are an inescapable presence downtown. i forgot to say that saturday night, headed home from the blogolicious festivities, i passed the little memorial on avenue a between 5th and 6th streets, right in front of the nuclear power plant on that block. a policeman was standing watch in front of it. i live on that block and am generally one of those bleeding heart liberal commie pinkos that don't like cops, but i thought it was cool that he was making sure that nothing happened to those candles, or to that block, or whatever he was guarding. so i thanked him, hey, thanks for taking care of this (pointing to memorial) and this block, and he said no problem, and then i went home.
tonight i went for a little walk after the gym and passed by caav (committee against anti-asian violence) and saw some acquaintances standing outside. i didn't know that it was located on 3rd street and i didn't know they were members. everywhere you go you run into familiar faces lately—i love it. then i walked to tompkins to see if there were any dogs allowed in the dog run after dark (there aren't) and saw the large chalking and memorial there. there was one candle that was still lit; the religious kind in the tall glass holders that you can get in all the bodegas here. that one candle, damn.
posted September 24, 2001 in delivery"ass wipe" post-it
a good ole-fashioned good night out. having fun with jami and jonno is a given, but re-meeting the blogstalkah, troy's diary, and g73 was rad too. turns out the first one tricked with a former colleague of mine (lucky colleague), the second one i'm a big fan of his rather large band, and the third i'd met at a party over a year ago at general seminary (neither of us went there, but hey). we chit-chatted, ogled the bevy of hotties walking through phoenix and then the cock, and did our sexy dances. i tweaked some stuff on my homopage in the neverending minimalism effort, changed my desktop pattern to a pink narcissus thing, and just watched a great short film where a latin lover type unintentionally foot massages a white woman to orgasm; his girlfriend finds out and sends her friend to deliver a pizza with a post-it saying "ass wipe" on the box.
posted September 23, 2001 in deliverymais le plus mort des morts est le petit garçon que je fus
more interesting search results:
- it is in the transitions that we recognize the sublime
- la mentira se ha convertido en el orden mundial
- some memories are realities and better than anything that can ever happen again
- an arsenal of truth which would have power to change the world back into a stel
- mais le plus mort des morts est le petit garçon que je fus
- its been a long time since i looked at your site your such a strange little ego
- i love him all the time
my bride has not guarded her temple
courtesy v-hold.net, my international (male) model name is ala radio. what's yours?
the world could end tomorrow and i'd still get emails like this:
-----original message-----
from: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
sent: thursday, september 20, 2001 10:00 am
subject: please
hello again,
please pray for me sheena and chiquita again, she is going out tonight to a bar with some freinds, please pray that god would look after her and that no men would be able to touch her, please pray that our father in heaven would turn her heart and mind to her tonight, that she would be saved through the grace of god tonight. that she would repent be baptised and become saved tonight. so that she may enter heaven. that god would by his grace save her now thank you again please pray that our sins would be forgiven god save her.
urgent: could you pray with me
james 5:16 - therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.
the prayer of a righteous man has great power in its effects.
sheep of the pasture/children of the father in heaven prayer and partition now that the most holy would command all his angels to call the i am for me from the most holy of holies. so that i may be redeemed and set free. as i will be delivered when upon his command.
my grandfather has recently passed away with cancer.
my bride has cast me from her presence.
my bride has not been not faithful to me
my bride has been in darkness.
my bride has not guarded her temple. a prominent example: through drugs. my bride has not acted as is required of her by god.
strange men may have drunk water from my well.
i have sin in my body and sprit
i have partook in fornication with my bride and other woman (through my thoughts and actions) i have not been holy as the son of the i am is holy. i have not done as the groom should do.
pray
that yeshua would restore my virginity to me.
that our father in heaven would instill knowledge and wisdom to me (as the psalmist and writer of proverbs writes talk about) no man other than me would ever able to touch sheena. that her ties with nathan would stop now.
that the lord would bring petulance and disaster upon sheena (that she may have another chance to repent) and nathen.
that our father in heaven should make a decree for me and sheena. that her whole family would repent and receive salvation. that my family would be restored back to me. that her whole family would stop using drugs now. that jesus would look after my family. that jesus would save me from that which seeks to destroy.
that if sheena is not the one that yeshua has ordained for me to be with, yeshua would cause his ordained bride for me to be connected with me fast. my name is julian my fiancée name is sheena grandfathers name is stan. known strange men: nathan and honey
amen - it shall be
ps do you know much about the accent rules of marriage (hebrew manuscripts). i.e where i stand in the eyes of the almighty, in terms of where i stand in terms of maarrage. (to sheena or another) what actions should i take? what actions should sheena take?
+any other knowledge you possess?
posted September 20, 2001 in deliverysmoke
at a certain point you can't write or talk or think about it so much. i think that's happened with a lot of us that've been blogging over the past week, but it's still there. i walked home from the subway tonight and could still see smoke rising from downtown, eight days later; it still comes up in the majority of your daily conversations with others; it's sealing itself into the background pattern, bgcolor, ground bass, whatever you wanna call it, of life.
i made it to church tonight for a brief service—the holy eucharist, a homily, prayers of the people, and the peace. during the prayers, which were modified to include prayers to those who are still lost and those searching for them, there's a pause where anyone in the congregation may add names. i said my friend's: "larry"
i was nervous because i'm not much of a public speaker on any scale, and after i cleared my throat it came out like a question. larry? like, should i be saying your name here, as if i don't really think that we've already lost you? then i finally cried for the first time since this all happened. i hate crying, and i managed to not make any sound, but i felt my eyes burning and tears tearing down my face and squeezed my eyes shut and nodded my head down to not make a scene. i wasn't the only one, because i could hear other people having hushed but jagged moments to themselves too. it sucked, but it was good to get it out, and not to get on a bible kick, but good to think about others' experiences with mass violence and hatred and their survival through it.
so, let go because i'm afraid to try. i'll keep my hands by my side. i won't come back. i hope someday you'll understand. i want to try and make it right, but i don't know if i can. last night, everything was right and the rain was gone.
- the get up kids, i'm a loner dottie, a rebel
posted September 18, 2001 in delivery
i guess it makes sense that this cd, of all cds, helps me get through the evening. because it's aaron copland, whose sound became what american music sounds like, or because it's well-played, simple piano music, which i miss having the opportunity to create myself, something about it is right tonight.
another healing day. hung out with my studboy. we woke up at noon, missing church which i'd meant to attend today but it's ok because i think i'll go during the week. we went to get $8 haircuts at the barber shop on st. mark's and 1st avenue, then had an even cheaper breakfast at polonia, a polish diner with a sunken-floor dining room. afterwards i took him to see the turtles that jami showed me yesterday on houston and bowery, then we ended up at tompkins square, reading and drawing and looking at people and looking at some of his illustration and photography work. i'm discovering how talented he is, which is really cool.
it feels good to do my stupid faggy brunches and complain about people and sit in the park and go to the gym and all these little things that i take for granted but make me feel like i have a neighborhood/community/whatev that now seem comforting and special.
below, one of the first semi-articulate emails i've been able to write to my family this week. even though today was healing, i teared up for the first time (go figure) thinking about my family and seeing, on cnn, that poster that says "have you seen my daddy?" with a little asian kid and his dad in a snapshot. my sister that wrote the responded-to email below—i can't describe how much i love and worship her and my other sisters—they, as much as anyone else, have been the role models when i think about the kind of man that i want to be. i'm glad tonight that she lives in a city that i don't think would ever get attacked.
> subject: RE: how are you?
date: sun, 16 sep 2001 23:13:20 -0400
from: me
hey p!
thanks for your email. i've been trying to get through to mom and dad all week, but sprint and verizon are just not holding up here. i'm ok, but an acquaintance of mine has been missing. he worked in the second tower on the 100th floor, so we're just waiting and praying, but it's pretty sad.
it was really quiet and creepy during the week, especially since my neighborhood was in the area south of 14th street that was barricaded and checking ids. things seem a little more normal after this weekend, and there's been an incredible response from the city, with the memorials and vigils and thank yous to the police and firemen, etc.
i guess the most frustrating thing now is realizing that nothing will be resolved quickly from here on out, and not knowing how you can best help. i made a donation to the red cross, but i can't donate blood because i'm gay, which is also frustrating. i just heard that they need database administration help from computer-savvy folks, so i'm going to see if that's something i could help with too.
thanks again for writing. as soon as i'm able, i'll be in touch with you guys on the phone, but don't worry about me at all and talk to you soon!
"p" wrote:
>hi ****,
>
>thanks for the e-mail. i've been trying,
>to no avail, to contact you via phone.
>silly me. i'm sure that things are not
>back to normal for you, but what's hap-
>pening in ny for you? mom would probab-
>ly like to hear from you if you can get
>a phone call out, i'm sure. if not, we
>all know that phone lines are jammed.
>
>hope you're okay, let us know if you
>need anything.
>
>love,
>
>p
>
tonight was a good night
tonight was a good night. i had a halfway decent workout at the gym and made plans with friends for dinner. there were seven of us, and we arrived at different times and caught up and hugged and polished off three carafes of red wine. people left the table in smoke break shifts. then jami and i went to guernica for a benefit for the east village firefighters. i got on the dance floor and shook it as best as i could, and soon joined with cinde and nico. i needed this, and i said so to them; nico agreed: "i so needed it and i didn't even know how much i needed it." then we ran into a creature known as sabiil outside. her biggest complaint was that the bouncer wasn't letting her in without ID. she was all, "hello? i don't have my ID because of something called rubble." she talked about seeing the world trade center stuff on tv and trying to clear all the drugs out of her system to make sure it was real: blowing her nose, waving the smoke out of the air, hacking a loogie. we were cracking up. then nursed beers and shots at lucy's after rejoining maurice and toby. jami looked like a cute jewish catholic schoolgirl with knee socks. i sat briefly with the new boyfriend of a guy that i went out with once and we totally got along. people complimented me. my friends that i introduced to each other hit it off. it was a good night, filled with friends and light but caring conversations; i got plenty drunk but didn't do any drugs and feel like i'll be in one piece for brunch with the same crew tomorrow.
posted September 14, 2001 in deliverytoday
the sky really is crying.
posted September 13, 2001 in deliverylockdown
to all that've emailed or called, many thanks. my phone is working sporadically, and my company's server crashed, so i'm not able to respond to either, but i'm fine and the least of my worries right now.
this morning the smoke drifted over to the east village, filling avenue a with acrid, foul-smelling hazy air that distorted the sunlight on an otherwise beautiful day as we walked out of odessa. 14th and canal streets are both barricaded, and the open restaurants are all packed; as maurice put it, we're on lockdown.
then later today, we decided that happy hour was called for and got a window seat at 7a. we were nursing our brooklyn lagers and pilsners and then a ton of people started running in from 7th street and someone yelled he's got a gun! there's a shooting! people everywhere, that panic that you feel right in your temples, everyone hit the floor, i thought i saw things falling and windows rattling and are we gonna fucking get shot up here? then the cops came and ended it and we were too freaked out to stick around for details. for the first time this week i wondered about my own safety; not that i'm all saintly and altruistic and shit, but this event hasn't seemed like someone that threatened me, even though i'm in new york, until this evening. we're all cooped up on this island and, i guess, starting to crack.
posted September 12, 2001 in deliverydust
there are people walking up broadway covered in white dust. lower manhattan is complete mayhem, but it's not fully hitting me yet. please bush, don't do something stupid. headed over to st. vincent's to see about donating blood.
posted September 11, 2001 in deliveryback from san francisco
just got back to nyc from sf. i had a great weekend out there with old friends from school that i don't keep well enough in touch with, attending one of their weddings in sonoma, meeting reesesworld and marshallmoore.net, eating chilaquiles and drinking oaxacan chocolate, reading the house of mirth on the slope of delores park and watching all the homos pull jeans over their speedos in the nipply afternoon. the castro is .. so gay. i guess nyc is too, but rounding that corner where twin peaks is, you see lots of same-sex handholding and rainbow flags and people just into being gay in a way that is way more subdued in nyc. to be honest, i didn't like it, since i'm more and more bored by mainstream gay identity, but it's a force to be reckoned with and respected there, kinda cool.
there's a series of thank-you notes and catch-up emails and, yuck, work to pick up now. plus that ben & jerry's buddy–not too much on that till i feel like i'm not jinxing myself.
posted September 10, 2001 in deliverygreat dane
who else's ears perked up when conan o'brien's dog sock puppet was saying to carson daly, "i bet you've stuck more bitches than anyone else in this room! carson, so studly! so handsome! so dull! i bet you're hung like a great dane!" and then when jamie foxx renamed eminem, "i'm-in-him." jami nailed the other highlight.
off to san francisco now!
posted September 07, 2001 in deliverynerds are what really blow my skirt (and ankles) up
we're looking for a place to have dessert and coffee, but it's midnight and a lot of places are closing early, so we end up at the corner deli buying ben & jerry's, then we start getting whipped cream and maraschino cherries and magic shell. then he says, "you know i'm gonna eat this out of your ass, don't you?" and i grin and laugh and make my way to the cash register with all of it. and then he actually does. man.
no, it's not the guy across the street whose bods we mutually checked out the other night.
"i’m talking the tape on the frames, doom-playing, linux t-shirt wearing, socks-and-sandals sporting ultra-losers. yum!" i feel validated that i'm not the only person who's saying that cute guys are l-a-m-e and that nerds are what really blow my skirt (and ankles) up. even though i'm a practitioner of the "fake nerd" m.o. ("short-sleeved button-up shirts and a 200 dollar one-shoulder backpack"–oh, i've sported that look. i console myself in that the backpack was free, and i eventually gave it to my buddy everardo in playa del carmen while high during y2k) described, there's nothing better than a guy who gets all the jokes on the computer guy sys admin skit on saturday night live or who gets stoned and takes it out on his freaking weblog late at night. you freaking rawk, mr. camper von english. check out his article, "notties: in praise of anti-hotness," on beardburn (thanks for the link, jonno. [allow me to be the first {that i know of} to say that not linking to your friends is the new cool in blogging])
posted September 05, 2001 in delivery, print, sexnot only did it push past 42% of the nerve endings, but it pushed past the bad stuff inside
she made it possible to care about movies without feeling pompous or giddy by showing that what comes first in everyone's experience of a movie isn't the form or the idea but the sensation, and that this is just as true for moviegoers who have been taught to intellectualize their responses to art as it is for everyone else. [...]sometimes you read things that remind you that you are nothing without standing on the shoulders of other, greater people that you learned from without even always realizing it, and this is a good thing.what is important and bracing is that she relates movies to other experiences, to ideas and attitudes, to ambition, books, money, other movies, to politics and the evolving culture, to moods of the audience, to our sense of ourselves — to what movies do to us, the acute and self-scrutinizing awareness of which is always at the core of her judgment.
- lawrence van gelder, "pauline kael, provocative and widely imitated film critic, dies at 82"
i woke up in the morning (6am or so) with a dream in my eyes. i scrawled it on an index card (inspired by a friend, they're all over my apartment now), and tonight, when i went back to it, this is what i could make out: i was in a music video, maybe even for someone like sting, and the main scene was a trail of us, each walking alongside a wolf. something was gay about the whole thing, like maybe all of us in the video were, or we were walking towards a gay event, and there was a bald leader guy (not sting) who said something about "not only did it push past 42% of the nerve endings, but it pushed past the bad stuff inside." then he said, "i don't know about you, but i've seen enough nights where it's about going back to where you were before, not foraging ahead for a new beginning and path."
posted September 04, 2001 in delivery, film, print