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2 5 m a r c h 2 0 0 0 : other nicknames have included t-bone, pandy, candy, (4/16/00: and following my trip to new orleans, small tiny woo)
i live in a tiny studio with one window that takes up half of the west wall. looking at it at night, i can see my reflection: if you saw princess mononoke, there's a line that is something like "my poor, ugly, beautiful daughter," which is what i hear in my head right now.
every other time i look at myself, i think: i need to be smarter i need to work harder i need to look better i am boring, even to myself i need to be sadder i need to write more. other times i think: i am a knockout fuckin brilliant smashing kicking ass at work writing good stuff.
where did such arrogance and insecurity come from?
i love the word "smashing" and have been wondering if i'm better suited to london as a result.
when i finished my first paper journal, i wanted to end with something important, and it ended up being a set of goals.
instant messaging session between matthew and i, 4/12/00 5pm:<<
NYCsnake: u still at work?
dante woo 1: :-(
NYCsnake: :-(
NYCsnake: thanks for coming over last night, sorry i was so tired i sounded drunk
dante woo 1: no, i had a really nice time
NYCsnake: thanx for being a good friend
dante woo 1: and thank you for the advice. i told ****** that you helped me out last night
NYCsnake: i'm glad to be of help
NYCsnake: i've never seen u so close to being outwardly emotional
dante woo 1: oh hush
dante woo 1: my emotions are subtle but they're there
NYCsnake: i just remembered your reaction to anya and me crying in mangia
NYCsnake: i never doubted they weren't
dante woo 1: what was my reaction?
NYCsnake: u were a little shocked
NYCsnake: i'm incredibly emotional right now. i don't know what's going on in my head
dante woo 1: yeah, me too. i almost started crying last week because people on my team were arguing
dante woo 1: maybe the moon?
dante woo 1: maybe you and i are on the smae menstrual cycle now
NYCsnake: could be...best to cry and let it out
NYCsnake: i think perhaps we're both falling in love on the same schedule?
NYCsnake: and love always makes me cry
dante woo 1: oh no
dante woo 1: that's true
NYCsnake: ****** just called me from texas
dante woo 1: how is he?
NYCsnake: he misses me
NYCsnake: he's crazed with work
NYCsnake: he has a meeting at 7:00 am
dante woo 1: UGH
NYCsnake: i can't believe i'm dating a lawyer
NYCsnake: and u a priest
dante woo 1: we're weird
NYCsnake: we are a movie waiting to be written
dante woo 1: laugh
